I am about to write like no one will pass judgement and hope that you read like you wrote this entry yourself. That’ll make a connection between us two.
I say this without exaggeration. The only thing I look forward to these days is coffee. Literally me every morning when I wake up: “Ahhh, it’s time for coffee”.
I have variations to it too.
The night before: “Maybe I won’t have coffee in the morning tomorrow”. Me the next morning BEAMING: “Yay, coffee!” OMG. What has this come to?
I’m on my second one today. Did I ever tell you I prefer mine hot even in the summer? But today’s weather had me asking my partner to pour mine over plenty of ice.
Some days feel bleaker than others. Most feel bare, like a blank canvas begging you to paint it, put in the time and the work to make what you want of it. This is the part where you ask, “But hasn’t it always been that way? Attracting positivity, manifesting and all that you like to talk about?” It still is, hun. Only now, it takes a little more effort to manifest given all the distraction. Instagram may make all those words sound like sunshine but the light doesn’t really show without darkness and shadows.
Anyway, let’s just say I haven’t really jumped out of bed with a skip in my step for the past couple of months or so. Do I feel like the world is coming to an end, though? No. 🙂
*takes a sip of coffee*
I’m SURE it will get better. And I know the word “better” means something different for each person, so I’m speaking for myself here. RIGHT NOW however, doesn’t feel good. My head is a mess and I’m like, 30% more emotional the past few days. My thoughts and feelings are like a necklace and a bracelet that have gotten tangled in my jeans’ pocket. I find them a month later and the faster I try to detangle and put them on, the more they fuck me over and become a tighter knot as if to say, “Well it’s your fault, you left me in here.”
This period demands time. The type that you’re fully able to give. Not merely time at home watching Tiktok videos or Netflix. It’s the type that feels like you’re facing the wall for the first half hour until the deep-seated shit comes to the surface and you find yourself asking, “These things I’m doing right now, WILL THEY EVEN MATTER IN THE NEXT DECADE?”
All that coffee makes me want to go for a walk now.
I’m leaving this seat, would you like to take it?
