SACRIFICE.
Without darkness, we cannot see the light pass through the cracks. The same cracks we gain just by living, each with our own demons. I have plenty of small ones I have to deal with, and they could get as difficult as a smart-ass toddler but I brave them- we all should.
In 6th grade, a schoolmate called my house close to midnight (I was asleep) and told my mom I was in a relationship with another girl from school. I took a beating that night. Went to school the following morning with bruises all over. My teachers asked if I wanted to report the incident to the authorities but I said no. I knew well why my mother did what she did. As the bruises healed, I did too. But I knew it wasn’t going to change who I was.
When I was 20, my older brother out-ed me to my parents (again). A twist of fate, I would say, how he accidentally saw a photo of myself with my then girlfriend on my computer. We didn’t break up because of that, and I think my parents have always known. They just weren’t ready.
A year later, my mother, a devout Catholic well-known in the cathedral our family serves sat me down for a talk that went on for hours. She has finally accepted me and promised to have my back, whoever I choose to love. It took her years since that 6th grade incident and there she was, finally. Sacrifice.
“The secret to happiness is to acknowledge and transform suffering, not to run away from it.” -No Mud No Lotus, Thich Nhat Hanh
This whole idea of sacrifice cuts clearly across every small thing my family has done to raise me. None of them spoke of it—I just saw all of it in what they do. The little that they had, they weren’t afraid to give. I never saw the world through rose-colored lenses but rather for what it is with my parents striving to patch up those cracks for me. And they made something beautiful. In fact, they taught me something that helped make things seem PERFECT all the time.
I learned to endure.
I would endure so that sacrifice is easy. Not in a “piece of cake” sense, but you know, done with less strain.
I would endure so that I could shift my perspective of things, see what there is to learn, pick up what there is I could possibly use later on. This is what it must mean to “Grow through what you go through”.
Every day for me requires a bit of sacrificing. It’s like an agreement to meet the universe halfway or something. Nat would always say, the day you plant the seed isn’t the day you harvest the fruit and I would always agree.
Symbol: The Virgin
Element: Earth
Quality: Mutable
Ruling Planet: Mercury — the planet of communication
Body Part: Stomach, waist, digestive system
Good Day: Dedicated, resourceful, helpful, hardworking, witty, practical
Bad Day: Preachy, self-destructive, overwhelmed, self-pitying, uptight, critical
Favorite Things: Laptops, magazines, long showers with aromatherapy soaps, outdoor concerts, childhood friends, Trivial Pursuit
What You Hate: Lazy or vulgar people, dive bars, spicy food, leaving home, toothpaste squeezed from the top of the tube
Secret Wish: To be a hero…
I gave up the security of having a day job to do what I am most passionate about. And it is only with this intense love for what I do that I am able to keep going for five years now. And five years in, I wouldn’t say I’ve gone far financially but I know I have touched at least one life with what I do and that fuels the fire. Maybe tomorrow I’ll touch one more? I’m not sure. But for today, we keep planting the seed. And if tomorrow there is still nothing to reap, we still plant- we stay resilient.
You don’t have to own much in order to share. When you give with genuine, authentic, selfless intention, you’ll see that your vessel never runs out. However, when you start to lose hold of that intention, the vessel goes dry.
But I drew a line. We are not saints and martyrs. I hit the lowest point of my life when I lost one of my dogs whom I loved so much (I wrote about that here and was the last time I remember pouring my emotions into my blog), just when my 8-year relationship was burning to the ground . I was working every day then, even on weekends. The vision has become blurry. Things turned into a race without a finish line.
Choose. Not every thing has to be at stake.
Give but preserve. Share but replenish yours. Most of all, endure.
It is that dance with the universe. A deal. A compromise. A daily bit of sacrifice.
